"Breathing in Freedom/ A Song of Letting Go & Embracing the New"

I quit on a whim. Two weeks later I found I could feel good without a substance for the first time in 3 years. I was flying back from spending my birthday, and NewYears with my family in California when I took a deep breath, and felt newly free.

I looked out the window at the city lights below, while snuggling my daughter Gracie. I couldn’t help but smile because I felt proud of myself, and hopeful. I also felt an inner giggle surfacing when I realized I didn’t have to strategize how to vape during the flight without getting caught… by a flight attendant, or by my husband Ty! hahaha (He was very aware of the $2500.00 fine!) Hahha I used to just pretend to bend down to grab something, vape, and then hold my breath to hide what would’ve looked like a puff of smoke in seat 12B hahah

There's something inherently powerful about the act of breathing—something symbolic in the simple rhythm of inhale and exhale. Breathing is life itself. It’s actually kind of funny when you think about the one thing we can’t live even 3 minutes without… it’s not food, or water, or money… it’s our breath. This makes me laugh to myself sometimes because although it’s our most precious resource, I’ve never once heard someone say they are worried about having enough breath when they retire… yet we panic and pain ourselves over having enough money. (Topic for another day…)

Anyways, back to breathing… 

So, in analyzing my addiction, I realized that vaping/smoking metaphysically meant “creating a smoke screen.” And since the lungs are where we store grief, it clicked with me why I was vaping. I  was covering so much fear and grief. I started vaping about three days after my traumatic hospitalization. I took my vape absolutely everywhere because it was something that helped me feel safe.

Truthfully, I don’t regret vaping. I’m actually grateful to have found something that could halt me from having flashback- panic attacks, and also stop me from picking my skin while cycling. It’s taken 3 years of therapy and now I’m ready to feel everything else I couldn’t then.

So on that same flight home, while listening to music on “shuffle mode” a song “Breathe” popped up. I had written it years ago with my good friend Abby Walters. In that moment, it spoke to me all over again, and I’ve been playing it on my guitar and singing it to myself ever since. I’ve found it soothing, and I wanted to share it… in case it helped anyone else feel better too. 

Here are the lyrics, and an acoustic version of me playing/singing the song. 

Breathe/freedom exists 

Written By: Alexa Shea Falk-Johns & Abby Walters

If I let go in the exhale, 

Could I breathe in something new

It’s heavy on my heart still

This entangled mess of you

Can I let go and surrender 

All my worn out yesterdays 

I’m ready to begin

Lean into the wind

Trust that I can heal this aching space 

If I breathe in

It might free me from this

Does Freedom exist

So I sit here in reflection

With just a paper and a pen

No not for the sake of hurting

But just so I can understand 

I was collaterally damaged 

In your wreck of life off-route 

So focused on your wounds

Always fixing you

I Didn’t know that I was bleeding out 

So I breathe in

I pray free me from this

If Freedom exists

I was locked in lines of darkness darkness

To afraid to be the key

Guess there was comfort in knowing

The wreckage of you lived on in me 

So here comes forgiveness 

Not just for you- it’s for myself 

To make certain that my daughter 

Will never live that kind of hell 

So I breathe in

I scream free me from this

Breathe in

I pray Free me from this

My freedom exists

Breathing is both a biological necessity and a metaphor for life itself. When we breathe, we take in the world—air, energy, and life. But when we consciously release our breath, we also let go of what we no longer need. In a sense, every breath is an act of renewal. 

So I’ll exhale. Then breathe in something new…

Thanks for reading/listening! (Sending you love, light, and good vibes!)

-A